


The Evil Overlord's List

by streitkartoffel



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-01-06
Packaged: 2019-10-05 11:36:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 1,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17324303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/streitkartoffel/pseuds/streitkartoffel
Summary: Partially inspired by Genuka's "The List, or Proof of Potters Mis-Sorting", but also inspired by the actual Evil Overlord's List ( http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html )Each chapter is from the list, including Dungeon Cell Blocks A & B (current list tops out at 231).I have this down as Original work with no warnings and rated T for corny violence... for the moment. It might change if one of the entries twigs as belonging to a specific series, or happens to get graphic.Each rule will be the chapter title.This is probably going to take a while. Hold onto your butts.





	1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

Finally, after a tumultuous voyage and several betrayals, the band of misfits had made it into the Fortress. 

With all four of them crammed in a broom closet, it was safe to say, morale was low.

"All we gotta do is bag a couple of guards and take their uniforms and helmets, okay?" Hero encouraged as best as he was able, under the circumstances. 

Grumbles of weary acceptance met this statement, yet Hero and Tank lined up to jump out at the next pair of patrolling guards. They grabbed the pair, yanking off their helmets and bashing the poor sod's heads together to knock them out. 

As Hero began enthusiastically stripping his guard, Tank paused. 

"Uhhh, Boss? I think we got a problem." The hulk of a man sighed, and held up the helmet he'd taken from his guard. 

The visor was a single sheet of clear plastic.

They were fucked.


	2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

" _If it has air ducts, I can get us in,_ " Hero mocked quietly from the next cell over.

"Look, how was I supposed to know-" Stickyfingers began.

"I GAVE YOU the blasted BUILDING PLANS!" Hero interrupted.

"I know that. The measurements just said 12 x 24. How was I to know he wrote the air duct sizes in  _centimeters_?" Stickyfingers sounded affronted.

A wizened voice carried through the dungeon, "Heh. You tried it too, eh?"


	3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

"Brother!" the crown prince had never sounded so shocked. "How could you do this? We are blood!"

"Yes, but you have all the power. I want it," his kid brother replied.

"What shall become of me, then? Will I be imprisoned?" The prince looked grim.

" _Dear_ Brother. I would never imprison you. Do you think me cruel?" the young man looked almost hurt.

"Banishment, then?" Somehow, he managed an even grimmer face. It was a bit disconcerting, actually, that a person could pull so many different versions of your basic "upset face".

"So you think me stupid. No, banishment will only give you time to gather your loyalists."

"Then wh-"  **BANG**

Having grown bored with banter, the soon-to-be Evil Overlord had simply drawn his gun and shot his elder brother between the eyes, neatly ending his reign.

He sent a guard to check the ex-prince's pulse, and called a team to clean up the mess.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't have names for most of my "characters" yet. Feel free to add suggestions.   
> So far:  
> Hero - obviously the hero of every story  
> Tank - stereotypical tank character: super-strong, knows all the fighting styles, is a bit stupid but looks up to Hero  
> Stickyfingers - the thief who, for reasons all his own or perhaps stupidity, joins up with the merry band


	4. Shooting is NOT too good for my enemies.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whoo lads, I am banging out a bunch of these today. I am WAY too caffeinated...
> 
> Short one here, I might be running out of steam for today.

Hero knelt in front of his greatest enemy beside his three closest friends.

"You're a sadist. You can't help but to cause me pain before killing me!"

" _Reeeeally?_ Let's find out!"

The sound of four gunshots rang through the Fortress.

"Hmm. Guess not."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please leave your best (or worst.. probably better off with worst) character names in the comments.
> 
> Although, I do need some evil overlord names that aren't top ridiculous or easily made fun of (see Voldemort = MoldyShorts)


	5. The artifact which is the source of my power will... be kept in my safe-deposit box.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The full rule is:  
> The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
> 
> A/N: I may have borrowed Harry Potter's goblins for this one, though there is no mention of Gringotts.

The legend said:

> **First, you must cross the River of Fire.**
> 
> **Then, you must climb the Mountain of Despair.**
> 
> **Finally, you must slay the Dragons of Eternity.**
> 
> **Only then can you claim the IMMORTALITY BROOCH**

And so, Hero trained with the water sprites and learned to form a cushion of water to carry him over the River of Fire without burning.

He went to the Ancient Masters, hidden atop the highest peaks of Tibet, to learn to suppress all despair, finding peace in even the darkest of places.

Finally, he went to the Goblins, and completed their three quests to gain a sword capable of defeating the Dragons of Eternity.

And he set out upon his journey.

Hero came to the River of Fire, though it seems the legends must have been very old, for here was only a cooled and hardened swath of rock, which must have once been lava.

Hero found the Mountain of Despair. It was crossed with many paths, and there was a train tunnel carved out of one side. Perhaps technology had some uses, after all... It wasn't a half-bad hike, if a little long and steep.

Finally, Hero met the Dragons of Eternity. They had grown bored and gone to sleep, though he woke them with his clattering. The first sneezed heartily, covering Hero in a thick layer of dust and dragon snot. The second blinked an eye open and skittered backwards, shrieking, "DUDE! Watch where you put that thing! You'll, like, kill somebody."

It seemed the Dragons of Eternity had gotten internet access, and no longer cared to guard some dusty old jewelry box.

Hero took the box, thanked the Dragons kindly (if confusedly) and returned to The Base.

"Well, Boss? Did you use your water magic to cross the River of Fire?" Tank asked.

"Um... yeah." Hero shuffled awkwardly, but Tank did not notice.

"And the Mountain of Despair- was it awful?" Tank actually looked excited.

"Oh... yes. It was... devastating."

"And the Dragons, are they slain?" Tank was positively glowing.

Hero took on a scolding voice, "I never kill a living thing unless it gives me no other choice! I bargained with them, and allowed them to go back to their cave unslain." He felt an idiot, but a heroic reputation didn't just build itself...

"Oh, my HERO!" Purity fell into his arms, delicately. 

Having satisfied his merry band, Hero turned to the ancient and decrepit jewelry box. It was time to destroy this terrible artifact once and for all.

"My friends, I give you... the IMMORTALITY BROOCH!" Hero threw open the lid as he named the wretched thing.

The room was silent. Awed, he imagined, until he looked at their faces. Not awe, but... confusion? Hero, too, looked at the opened box. Inside sat a... oh for shit's sake, is that a VHS tape?

It was a VHS tape.

After going through the innumerable hassles of finding and hooking up a working VHS player, Purity delicate placed the tape into the player and pressed PLAY.

The screen crackled, wobbled, and flickered to life.

A young man sat next to one of the Dragons of Eternity, feeding him what appeared to be Cheetos.

"If you've found this, good job on completing the Useless Treasure Hunt of the Century. As you can tell, the legend's fake. Since I probably won't be able to see your face when you watch this, I'll get my cackling out of the way now."

The lad on the tape broke into a true Evil Overlord's laugh- long, dark, and terrible. 

"Now, then. The artifact is actually in my safe-deposit box. Good luck, dickhead."

The tape ended and the sound of static stretched into the dumbstruck silence.

 

 


	6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Taking a page from The Shortest Story's proverbial book here.  
> (Go check them out: https://shorteststory.tumblr.com)

"I guess this is where you gloat?" I asked.

"No," he replied, and pulled the trigger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used a random image from google image search of "gunpoint silhouette" for the background. Added text with shitty editing.
> 
> In case the damn image breaks AGAIN, here's the direct link:  
> https://i.imgur.com/0Re8Ps3.jpg


	7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No, on second thought, I'll shoot him then say "No."

Hero knelt before the evil Herr Böse, desperate for just a few more minutes, just enough time to finish The Plan. 

"Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" _Here's hoping for a monologue..._ Hero thought.

Herr Böse simply blinked once, smirked, and shot him.

"No."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of these are just really short. There's bot a lot I can do to them without writing a whole fic to go with a single rule.


	8. CAST

The Merry Band of Heroes **™**

 

Hero - The hero of every story

 

  
Stickyfingers - run-of-the-mill king of theives/stealth specialist

 

  
Tank - character with overpowered strength stats and underpowered intelligence. Looks up to Hero for some undoubtedly sickeningly sweet reason.

 

  
Purity - stereotypical dippy blonde girlfriend of Hero (if you have this name irl, forgive me, it just strikes me as a very princess-of-the-light name)

 

The Evil Overlord and His Legions of Terror **™**

Herr Böse - our resident evil overlord. (It's german- literally, Lord Evil, but Böse is pronounced like "booze" and I couldn't NOT) Herr Böse is NOT German. His naming falls under rules 29 & 184


End file.
